Say wha?

Back for sometime

The internet is fucked up thanks to some cables under the sea. It's estimated that it would take up to 2 weeks for things to get better, and maybe get things back to the way they once were. Using the alternative cables don't seem to be doing a great job. MSN is not working for me, nor is hotmail.com, which sucks. But looking at the bright side of it, not a lot of time will be wasted online chatting. (As if I chat a lot and with many people.)Anyhow, there are always those online Msn services available and they are somewhat reliable when it comes to speed and transmitting messages on time.

I cannot be completely sure of what I am going to self admit to myself. I am not sure if it's just an excuse I want to feed my brain to let my heart adjust with it and accept it, or it's just the flat out truth.
Honestly, being a member on Yahoo Answers for quite sometime and always hanging out around the Relationships corner and commenting on other people's posts, things started to become clearer for me. It somehow also connected me to how I once felt I was in control, I was aware of how things go, and how I was simply right.
Love itself, as a present mutual feeling at a time shouldn't bring hurting, can it? It shouldn't bring constant hurting and insecurities with it, should it? It can't be love if the other person cannot treat you the way you ought to. It can't be love if your significant other made you feel incomplete, worthless and not enough, can it?
Looking back in time, that's how I felt almost every single day of the so-WOW-relationship that until recently I hoped it would still exist. Dealing with those FACTS is not very hard for me to keep in my mind, but the hurting and emotional abuse I've went through is what I cannot come into agreeing terms with. And by agreeing terms I mean how hard it is for me to actually believe I've let myself to be in that position constantly and let myself undergo such treatment when I am completely aware I deserve much better for far way too many reasons I'll ever come to admit. Just sitting with myself, thinking of how I was once compared to a celebrity making me feel I wasn't good at all just because I don't happen to have one of her 'assets' makes me such a wreck. Even as I type this down I'm trying to refrain myself from tearing.
It hurt so much, and it still does. I should have never been in such situation. I simply did not deserve that, especially being one strong believer on how you shouldn't judge people the way they look in order to make things work between you too. I was the pretty one in the relationship. He wasn't someone I'd go for if it was solely dependant on looks. It actually makes me feel sad and bad. What's with not good looking guys wanting to have HOT girls putting aside how they look? And when getting decent looking girls they go off pointing out what they don't like AFTER maintaining a relationship? What's healthy about that?
It makes me very frustrated knowing I never pointed out their faults in comparison to my likes to them. It just eats me inside out. And I do feel it would be very shallow of me if I do it next time, that if it ever happens, seeing how I attract not my type kind of guys to no guys at all. I'm so sick of hearing good nice guys are there somewhere. Fine, I'll come into accepting terms with that, but is it my fault that they aren't attracted to me? No it's not. I truly hate this. I am starting to wonder if I'll ever have a healthy relationship, let alone any relationship at all. From now on I should start flaming on whoever calls me cute, sexy, beautiful...etc Obviously if I fucking was in guy's eyes, I wouldn't have been in the situation I am n right now.
I've always been pretty confident in the way I look until some assholes whom I'm gave high priority to took advantage of that, and left me with void and insecurities.

Point being is. I might have loved you at a point or another, but it stopped right after you did all the hurtful things to me. I don't love you anymore, even if I tell/told you otherwise. I just don't. To me, love cannot be one-sided. It maybe be a selfless desire for passion as I believe, but love is a shared mutual feeling that should never bring hurt along with it. And that being said, I am not sure I can remember the last time we were in love.

Now that all has been said and done, I cannot take back anything I've said, or rewind back time to change things that hurt me the most. I'll deal with it and let it guide me in my future. Things will change now. I know I may take so long to just adjust with the fact someone has hurt me deeply, but eventually I'll get over it. I'll set more ground rules for myself, and that would just decrease any future hurting, I hope.
I believe that I should write/type down things that I should always remind myself with. My likes/dislikes in guys for any potential relationship occurrence, my own pros and cons (from physical appearance to personality wise) - it's always good to know your bad points and it's even better when you just love them and cling into them unless someone proved to be worthy enough to let go of them. Yes, I shall do this. It can just give me a better insight on how am I as a whole, understand myself even more better, and it's a great way to just put down everything on the table plain out.

I shall keep on my mind. I am/was way too good for the ones I had feelings for and/or established a relationship with. I deserve the best. I'm a great person and I don't deserve any less.

On a different side of things:
University isn't so good, but not bad either. But homeworks are going fine- I think. I should redo the fricking 3D forms and finish my 2nd human form in motion. Would it singing be enough of a suggested movement? Hm...I'm not so sure, but then I guess it'll depend on how it eventually turns out to be. I'll have to add some hand and leg movements into it to make it look better. Yes, that would be perfect. This one will have to stand though.

I have been cleaning things around the room every now and then. True it's incomplete and may count as nothing to the observer's eye, but who knows better more than I do? So yes, I've been going just fine with my new year's resolution of being more organized. And not to forget about doing the things I've assigned myself to do, but never got to do them up until now.

Regardless of the hurt and sadness I'm dealing with, I think I'm pretty happy with how things are, and that's really great. And the best part of it, is me finding happiness even in those moments where I feel I am most vulnerable at. 2 years ago, I wouldn't have said this.

Future Vision

[nonsense] 

I have a problem.
I've been knowing this problem from sometime, but I never gave it a thought to come up with the theory of it being the MAIN problem to lots of things.

I'm weird.
I don't actually believe anyone can understand how I function or think, especially when it involves me and my life. So talking to people doesn't really do much. More preciesly, it's somehow a waste of time and just simply too much of me complaning, which I started hating to do.
I guess I should wish I'd talk to someone who for once I beleive does understands me and how my fucked up mind works and would give me an advice that I'd actually count on. But no, I'm too stubborn to even bother believing other parties opinions and theories.

I'm making no sense.
I hate this. Grrr

Well, straight to the point -> I don't believe in any way possible that I'll have a future. No matter how my life goes when I grow up, I just believe I won't have a future. It looks all dark to me. And well, me believing in such thing surely doesn't give me the motivation to do anything regarding the long-run personal benefits, so I just sit here and start wondering...
What's the point of doing this? What's the point of doing that? Eventually, it'll all come to an end and it'll all sound useless at that point.

And now that I am soon to turn 18, the feeling is rising. Why?
As funny as it might sound, I think I am supposed to die before turning 18. I don't think there's any plan drawn out for me beyond this age. It's a feeling deep inside, and it won't seem to go away.

Instead of lieing at others, I lie at myself. It's sad, really. It's like people come first then there I am standing in the line waiting to get my ass treated with bunch of lies that I spared the people I knew with.
I've manipulated with my mind way too much that it's too hard to undo what has done to it.

It's all connected to the fact that am a pessimist.

Honestly, at this point, nothing makes sense in my mind so I'd put any sense into my words.
They all feel meaningless scrambled words.

I feel my life is worthless, just a waste of time.

I've screwed up myself way too much to even be understood or even make myself to understand to what state I've dragged myself into.
I don't know what do I want from my life. I don't know if my life is even worth living to bother with everyday's struggles; to make it through and proove myself. But to proove myself to who? Does anyone's opinion even matters? What matters?

You know? University can make you think a lot of things around you. It made me realize and figure out lots of things about myself. not that it contributed in any way possible. But the things I felt from going there, everyday, feeling umnotivated or inspired to make me go through helped.

Thinking about all this, why do I always put myself in such positions? Why do I bother thinking way too much that I start losing it?

And again, nothing makes sense. *sighs*
LOL..on the other hand its funny how the word university can bring me down so easily and make me re-think about my life. Maybe it's my crossing bridge to THE real life that I'm always trying to convience myself I won't ever have? Maybe..

[/nonsense] 

Uha..

I don't feel right. In fact, I don't feel as good as I should. I have my period after all. The one and only thing that can brighten up my day no matter wha happens. And well, nothing has even happened and here I am feeling a bit down and well, sad.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong. I'm certainly not liking this situation.

And for some reason I feel its connected to the fact we havn't chatted a lot today.
He's just a guy who's younger than me. I have no feelings to him whatsoever. I just like talking to him. And of course, it's always "me" who's acting like a bitch with altittude. It's starting to sicken me. Maybe I shouldn't even consider re-talking to him again. I guess I fell in love with talking with the wrong person. If for not liking talking to him, I wouldn't even liked him.

So not my kind.

Eh, this sucks. I hate it when the hormons take their role. Sucky stupid hormons. 

...

Sighs

*(%&*$&I*O^

FUCKING SHIT.

EVERY FUCKING WORD I WROTE IS FRIKING GONE.

FUCKING SHITTY FUCK.

GOD DAMN IT. IT FUCKING WASN'T SHORT.

Here's an overview.

1: Skipped university today.
2: I am bored.
3: My Zen broke, but it's back on business. (Just got stuck, for hours, only)
4: My bro has a new hair-cut.
5: I've got a Physics exam tomorrow and I haven't even studied 1 chapter from the 4 required ones. I should seriously call it quits after this. I can't pull myself into studying.
6: I sent my prof. an e-mial that I am so in need for a reply for. The university mail provider seem to have failed me, so sent him one from my hotmail addy.
7: I'm gonna go through my lastest stages of my current project which is Sorting My Friking My Mind Out. So far so good. Will be writting a letter, A letter that I'll never send. Write everything in it. From my feelings to what I've told and been told. Literally everything I can possibly remember. Read it and stare at it. Then at the middle of the night, I'll burn it. And with the ashes, my feelings (whatever's left, if there's anything at all) will disappear. They can sod off to an endless end.

I know how to fix myself when needed.
As for the hormonical changes...Um that will take some time.

Now, where the hell is my PeRiOd. <3

...I wonder if I am ever on his mind like he's on mine... R' that is. =)...

Weeee

Pshhhhhht. It's my 4th day! XD

The more the days that pass, I feel myself getting better and better. Of course, that's only when it comes to sorting out my mind. It's starting to clear and things are starting to make more sense than ever. I am so gratefull. Me's glad me took that decision and is acutally stick to it even after only 4 days passing.

I don't get to feel that feeling of needing to chat with someone. Heh, weird. I love chatting as a matter of fact and it's something I'd loveee to do for contineous hours. But then I guess, my deal doesn't come in seperate packages, but one. It states no contact with human beings in any way possible, unless a query is needed to be done, or at least to update on a specific topic. Heh, I'm proud of myself for not falling into temptation.

I've noticed that he mostly take over my mind when I'm in the bus. I guess it's because I'm just sitting there, listening to music and staring out of the window. Not bad. Good improvments. Screwed up fucking prick. Ugh. People who never appreciate a thing. Pieces of shit.

I was going to skip university today. The only thing that wasn't encouraging me was I've got a supposedly English quiz. Yes, it's true. There was no quiz. He's losing his creadibility wth me. This is the 2nd time he does this. Man, i was fuckig going to skip and I only came for the friking quiz!!! Grrr. Quizez do not matter much. But it being the only subject im fairly good at, I need to at least show my goody-ness at it.
I skipped eco class cuase I know it'll be hella boring and I aint up for such shit.

Oh, and I stayed till 6 oclock today. Was studying Physics that didn't last for too long and ended up with a result of doing two-3 questions. Man ain't I gonna screw up in my upcoming midterm! Argh.

Speaking about screwing up,I've been thinking. I'm thinking of my status at university. I feel unworthy to be paid money on for a good education. I can't carry myself into opening a book and looking through it, skim and scan it. I just can't. I thought of talking to my parents and tell them that it's a waste of money and I'm simply not worth it. Then after some thinking, I relaized I shoulnd't take that step way too fast, but wait until I see the results of this semester. If I fail more than 1 subject, I'm out. I won't be someone who'd carry lots of courses on her head just to fucking graduate. Plus, I'm not much of an education welcomer. I despise it. Everwhere I go doesn't seem to bring and present education in a good approach that would motivate me at least a bit to be eager to learn more. This is fucked up. Ugh. I guess this is all happened when I started "rebelling" against my parents. Hmm I see the negtive side effects now. Ah well...Rebelling means more individuality to me, and this is me.

There's this new band me just discovered, Silent Civilian. They got this amazing song called Live Again. New obsession mayn.

And as far as I can tell, I'm taking the matter of losing weight way too granted to end up good. I found myself losing weight real good that I have started actually eating. And here I am with a nicely shaped stomach. Not that I gained a lot, but it's badly shaped to suit my prefrences. Gah! I guess I'm doing what I've always wanted to do when I was in the process of "losing" the extra weight. So here I am eating whenever I feel like it. I'll stop, at some point.

And as far as researches are going. Asking people here and there, I think I am doing some progress about finding the right boxers! I just hope, Inshalla, I find and buy it before it's too late.
Oh, and Ra' told me he's travelling next month. When what he told me doesn't really matches that. He told me, after one month and few days. The one month is about to happen and few days were somewhere like, few days after his birthday. 15 days aren't few. He should be glad I'm not sending him hate msgs. =)

4 weeks left of torture and I'm through my first god damn year! WOHO! I need to be treated for such achievment that has beenpreviously followed by lots of failures.

Failure I am.
And sleeping early is the best thing, alive! LOL. Screw education. When it comes to sleeping, go for it!

My Stand

So many thing has happened ever since I posted my last entry on here. I don't think I'm gonna remember every event and write it down since not everything that has happened actually concerns me at the least.

One of the "things" is that all my enteries at Dx were gone. Just like that, gone. I was shocked. My enteries that worth almost 2 years of my life were gone. The best 2 years to be exact. It felt like part of my life has been erased and now I am living without a memory of what has happened in the last two years (or whatever period of time it was). I wish they could come back. The thing is, I was worried at the start some sort of thing would ever happen, but then I took the thought out of my mind. I wish I went after my fears and clicked on the download button to get all of my enteries. Walla I miss them so much. So many things happened...The good and the bad...My maturity developing...My feelings and thoughts...Important dates and events.. They are now all gone.POOF !!!! It sort of makes me feel sad since I do really feel like 2 years of my life has been taken away from me. But what can I do about this now? Not a single thing. I'll learn from my fatal mistake in my next step.

He ditched me for another. And not only that, but lied to me when I asked him if he found someone else. As expected, feelings of anger came first then sadness took over. We weren't anything to be mentioned so it made it easier for me. Knowing I wasn't really played on and all, since you can not be played on unless you were in any kind of relationship (which I wasn't in), so it went all good. It took me some time to get over it and shit but as I can see right now, it's what's on my mind the most, or maybe not in the past few days. He sent me a msg out of no where and that what brought back the feelings.


Hung out with Sunshine!!! Oh yes, my ex-crush who I got over successfully. (And thanks to old experiences of "getting over", I'm gonna apply it again - with some differences of course. =)) I so much wanted to hang out with him since he's in the country. I'm glad I did take that step. And I can proudly announce, he was the first guy I ever hang out with! Man, didn' I know who to pick? Well, we weren't alone so yeah...But I had so much fun! I dunno much about him even with him saying "it was fun"...Guyz lie..But saying lets do it again? I think it does show he had fun at least a bit. I mean if you didn't have fun doing something, why suggest doing it agin sometime soon? Oh yeah, and he'll never set a date which I want him to do this time...But it's okay. I don't mind setting it as long as I'm gonna give him a birthday gift! YEssssshhhh!!! I finally going to get hime something, hopefully. He wants a surprise? I'm gonna get him one...But I'm finding hard time finding what I want.
Not only that...But his birthday is approaching! And my exams are after 3 weeks. I dunno when I'm gonna get him whatever I want, and HOW and when would I be able to see him. It doesn't matter whether we hang out or not. All what matters is giving him his gift and giggle inside knowing he wouldn't expect BOXERS with sun(I hope). Blah...I'll need some serious major help from people I know. Yesterday I looked for boxers here and there...but nothing!

And the last thing to be mentioned is (or maybe not) I re-accepted 1. Man, this guy might represent everything that I hate and shit, but I like talking to him. I don't like talking to people usually...I mean I do. But he's the kind of person whom I'd like to talk to from daylight to nighttime even if we had nothing to say but crap. I must admit. Me liking to him made me like him, as a friend. lol He's fun..yeah. And he can be nice too. Telling me I'm gonna miss you is a good indicator. ^^

Last but not least, I bought a new MP3 player. My old Zen Micro stopped working. Now I got Zen Vision:M. Cool one indeed. I just wonder how on the earth it gets sctrached out of no where when most of the time it's in my pocket or my hand. Blah.

Okay. Enough of keeping on track. Now on real time updates.

Thinking too much about "him" has drove me seriously insane. I started thinking Iam missing him and that I want him. I was gonna do stupid things like undeleting him, and I was this close to settle on that decision but on the last minute...I decided to take another road. A road that enforce nothing but a break. I decided to let my friend change my e-mial password without letting me know what is it and well, not to give it to me until I aske her at least 1 week or two from the date it was changed at. And man, I can say I see improvement. *horrayy* This is my 3rd day without my "regular" msn. And well, I noticed some changes that goes as follows:

1: It's not my Msn that keeps me hooked up day and night to this screen.
2: I'm becoming someone I've always hated. A real time...uh girl. (not that because I don't sign in anymore...Well more like I'm noticing it more now)
3: I did get over him, but my senses refuse to let go because of my hormons.
4: My hormonical pills fucked me up real bad...Which explains why I'm all hooked up with sex thoughts, him and becoming a girl.
5: I need to get married right now before I start doing stupid stuff.
6: I ain't thinking much about him. Which is the goal of this move! Oh man, I'm smart. I know what moves to take! *is-sh proud*

So yes, I discovered the real truth. I don't like him anymore. It's just that I want to hold on into something since my hormons got activated. I guess that explains it all. Hormonical changes... I should get back my "guys" hormons all back in tact. Now that will take more time than ever.

And well, the thing that I has always knew was right. If I ever change, I'm gonna change to the worse. I think it's a bit odd, or at least in my case. But then I knew the outcome..Or maybe I just injected that thought where I had to operate it in reality. Oh man, my mind is so coolies.
Yesterday I bought clothes that I always thought are the most disgusting kind of clothes that I would never think of wearing, well because they (the shirts) are way half through your fucking body and the whole objective of these shirts is to expose your boobies! Well not really expose, but make them more clear. It's disgusting I know...But I liked these two and I felt like buying them. So yeah, Sara is getting fucked up by her own hormons. What a shame.

I thought maybe my absence from Msn would actually get my consience back to it's place when it comes to studies. But I see it did no change. I think it's the internet who controls that consience. And to be honest, I think it's my sister who does not encourage me to study. I mean she's in the room sleeping with the curtains all down, meaning it's dark and it's one of the rarest times when I feel like I want to study! Yes, morning time sucks so badly. No wonder I do my homeworks all late and never finish. Blagh, I need a room formyself just so I can study and kick my ass off to get good grades. But I don't see that comeing..

Just few days ago I was reading things i've wrote when I was in grade 11, all of which contained a line or two about him. Reading the stuff I wrote brough back good memories. It was really fun, and I really missed all that. It felt weird but nice. Man, do I miss him?! Heh, and the vibes were clear but I wasn't ready.

I got no one to blame BUT my mother. She took me to the doctor who suggested me taking those hormon shit. Without them, I would have been doing just fine. I guess. Well it's helping me out with my body too, in a positive way. Uh, this is tricky.

=D

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